Mr D said I'm like an 'unstoppable force' and I think he means that I always need something big to focus on and direct my energies towards.
Obviously for the last 3+ years that has been getting shit booze out of my life.
I've poured my heart and soul into getting sober and not only blogged my way through the entire journey but also wrote and released a book about it, and then got Government funding to start an amazing new community website that I now run.
So yeah.. that all took a bit of energy.
But now I'm comfortably sober (in that I don't have to actively work on keeping booze out of my life), and the website is running smoothly and I've been feeling a bit 'itchy', low, in a funk.
The problem is life keeps happening. Tough stuff happens. A beloved family member tragically died, I have sticky people around me, parenting our three boys (often on my own) is bloody hard work, I think my hormonal moods are getting more intense the older I get, I'm still learning how to deal with anger and sadness etc in the raw (without my beloved wine in the way).
Mr D also said he was worried that I'm getting depressed.
I'm not. But some phases of life are tougher than others. And here's the thing. I've got 40 more years of sober living to do and big life stuff is going to keep happening and my moods are going to keep happening and I'm always going to be mothering three full-on boys (although there will come a time when it's not as intense as it is now), and I don't think my emotional coping techniques are very robust.
And everywhere I hear people talk about the power of mindfulness and meditation. I know that it is a skill that can be learned and takes a lot of practice but brings amazing results to many people's experience of life.
I know it's a thing that people can learn to do. Become mindful. Meditate.
Honestly, the thought of meditation terrifies me. I think it sounds boring, introspective, scary, did I mention boring, indulgent, hard work, boring and…… well frankly, a challenge.
But I'm up for the challenge. It's a bit like when I got sober. I knew other people could get sober and were happy about that - so I set out to achieve that goal. And I did.
And now I feel like this is the next logical step. I know that people achieve great inner calm from working hard at cementing meditation (& mindfulness - what is the difference?!) in their lives. So I'm setting out to achieve that goal.
What does that mean? What does that feel like? How does it change things? What can it do for me? Honestly, I have no idea. But I'm going to find out.
Fuck knows how I'm going to fit it into my life. I am busy. I run a website which has me online 7-days a week, I am also a full-time housewife and mother to three boisterous boys, I am back at the gym, I like watching TV and listening to pop music and catching up with girlfriends over coffee or dinners or movies. And I am a wife and like to spend time with my amazing husband.
This new blog I will use to chart exactly what I am doing to learn how to spend more time slowing down my mind and calming my thoughts. Books, podcasts, guided meditations, advice, whatever. This is my new project.
I will use this blog to keep me honest so that I keep working at this. And ultimately I hope that I'll get to a brand new place within myself. What might that place be???!!! Watch this space…..
Love, Mrs D xxx