I can see that this blog is going to keep me honest which is good (much like my sober blog helps keep me off the sauce). It was because I needed to be able to write something about my efforts in mindful meditation (or whatever it is that I am doing) that I actually did something of that nature today. Yes! I managed to sit cross legged on the floor quietly for 8 or so minutes at 7pm.
Well it was only semi-quiet because Mr D was on the trampoline outside the window with our 3 sons and they were all chattering loudly. But what else can I do? This is the environment I live in.
I thought about taking a moment to reflect (or whatever it is I am doing) this afternoon when I was home alone ... but I was trying to write a post at Living Sober about the things I work on in recovery and also the Oscars was on TV and I wanted to see what everyone was wearing (!) and before I knew it it was 3pm and I had to do the school pick-up.
But anyway, fast forward and I am sitting cross legged on my bedroom rug at 7pm with my eyes shut trying to calm my brain or at least be aware of what I am thinking about.
I read this in my library book (from the chapter by Joseph Goldstein): "A further part of the training is becoming aware of our thoughts and emotions, those pervasive mental activities that so condition our minds, our bodies, and our lives. Have you ever stopped to consider what a thought is - not the content but the very nature of thought itself? Few people really explore the question, 'what is a thought?' What is this phenomenon that occurs so many times a day and to which we pay so little attention? Not being aware of the thoughts that arise in our minds or of the very nature of thought itself allows thoughts to dominate our lives. Telling us to do this, say that, go here, go there - thoughts often drive us like we're their servants. Unnoticed, they have great power. But when we pay attention, when we observe thoughts as they arise and pass away, we begin to see their essentially empty nature. They arise as little energy bubbles in the mind rather than reified expressions of a self."
I liked this a whole lot. How utterly fascinating. A thought as nothing more than a little energy bubble. But I am my thoughts! Aren't I? What else am I if I'm not my thoughts???!!!
And so today when I snatched my little moment on the bedroom rug I wasn't overly concerned with trying to not let my mind wander or do a perfect body scan or anything. I was just observing my thoughts. It was interesting (the process.. not the thoughts. My thoughts are predictable, same old same old plans and pondering and worries and stuff).
Actually, if I'd had more time to do it that would have been nice, but as it was my 10-year-old started heading down the hallway to the bedroom (having had enough time on the trampoline) so my quiet contemplation of my thoughts was over. Until tomorrow .......
Love, Mrs D xxx