So I wrote that last post and then I did nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Not one guided meditation. Not one Tara talk. Not any body scans or even an attempt at a self-guided (silent) meditation trying to focus on my breath. Nothing.
Have completely stopped.
And I kept being busy and I kept thinking "I haven't got time to stop" or "I can't be bothered stopping to take any time to reflect or look inward or listen to a guided meditation or ANYTHING".
Too busy. Too tired.
So busy and tired and wired and over-stimulated that insomnia has returned to my life and so has some ill-health so I am now off to the doctors tomorrow because I am a bit poorly. So my body is bloody leading me when it should be my mind!! My body is getting me to slow down.
I need to be lead by my mind and not my body. I must remember this. I need to lead from the front and take time to calm my mind before I get over tired and wired and sick.
I took the boys away this weekend (without Mr D he was travelling for work) and it was super-lovely to get out of the house and to a beach house of a friends full of toys and books etc.
But if I'm honest I was a bit flat and low and tired (as per usual) and a bit worried about my health.. We did have a nice time together eating yummy food and playing at the beach and the park etc.. I was a good mum and they are good sons. But I had bloody insomnia on the first night (for crying out loud Mrs D!! The signs are all there!!) and in the middle of the night I was desperate enough to reach for my phone and finally play one of the Tara Brach Guided Meditations that I worked so hard to save onto my phone. And instantly I felt like crying or dropping my shoulders one million percent or something... and yet I was still wide awake (wired) so I clicked on a talk of hers that was also saved into my new Podcast App and fuck me it was brilliant...
It was called 'Accessing Innate Wisdom' and I heartily recommend it.
She said: "When we're stressed the habit or reflex is to tighten up ... and have our attention really fixate in a way that is very driven by the fear and wanting. We get lost in busy-ness, and we get caught in emotional reactivity, that's the habit."
"The biggest challenge is that the times we most need to meditate, when we really know that the very best thing for us would be to just to pause ... and come back and feel our breath and our body ... are the times when we absolutely are not in the mood. We don't want to do it."
"You know how it feels when you are sensing there's not enough time, you're stressed, you're tight, you're irritable, and the last thing in the world you want to do is pause, right? We're kind of geared to go. So, we're caught in a bit of a catch 22 because exactly what we most need our conditioning has us go at it another way."
Bloody brilliant Tara. It's this basic human conditioning that meditation is fighting constantly. The conditioning is to tighten and attend to the stress and busy-ness, because that's what we need to do to survive! Attend to what needs attending to. But it's not helpful to focus on the stress and busy-ness because attending to those things means more stress and busy-ness. Actually you need to go completely in the opposite direction and pause and reflect and calm yourself down and remember to stay in the moment and not get lost in your thoughts. Do a little rebellious 'checking out' of normal life (which is really 'checking in' with your present moment right here right now in your physical body sitting on your physical chair).
Not sure if this is making sense, except to say to myself, Mrs D.. for goodness sake make this 'looking inward' stuff a priority! Stop. Stop thinking. Stop planning your next Ask An Expert post or your next Sober Story or your next Members Feed Update or your next Mrs D Is Going Without post or your next Mrs D Is Going Within post or your next Instagram photo or your next Facebook update or your next Drink of the Week or your next Twitter update... stop occasionally from all that fun busy-ness (because I do enjoy it greatly) and pause (because you need to balance things out and keep calm inwardly). Come back to the moment.
To quote Tara... "Where attention goes, energy flows".
That is all.
Love, Mrs D xxx